For those of you who don't own a blog on blogger, you'll be surprised and amazed at the extent of its statistic features like I was when I first started this one up. I mean, from graphs to numerical view counts in various time lengths and even the number of audience from which country all around the world down to the types of internet browsers and platforms in pie charts - I'd say it pretty much covers it all.
And goodness, what this does to fuel that attention-seeking freak I know resides in each and every one of us.
Who am I kidding if I didn't say that the first thing I probably click on whenever I come on is that statistic tab, like it were the only thing that mattered. Honestly, priding myself (at times) in being blatantly blunt, I've gotten so sick of this era's never-ending cycle of 'me-me-me'. Catching myself at it, the rational side of me finds it all so sickening, and honestly just wants to slap myself awake or go hide in a corner until I get my focus back.
I wouldn't say this was the first time it has ever happened to me before.
(Though I'd be breaking the unspoken rule by merely mentioning this,) for my Tumblr blog really proved to be that safe haven where it didn't matter who was following me, or how often I post (even if I do feel pressured), who I follow, who reblogged what from me, and essentially what the outside world thinks of me. And though it may sound harsh but if I had it my way, I wouldn't even have anybody who I know in real life going anywhere near my Tumblr - and I guess it's because that is the closest I will probably ever come to running away to somewhere where nobody knows my name or who I am, and it wouldn't matter because I could be me without any presumptions, or expectations, or even the burden of being called under a specific name that seems to tie you down to the rules of this world.
But it's not quite the same over here though.
Over here, even though I say I don't care about what anybody thinks, the fact is that I really do. And although I try to be courageous enough to spill my heart out on these pages, I still get nervous because I understand that even if people don't do it intentionally, I'm still being judged, which I can only ever hope is for the best. Or maybe it could just be the fact that I'm so blessed to have friends around me on Facebook relaying likes, comments and conversations back and forth that in comparison, the emptiness here when nobody replies or comments makes me feel like the ocean that I'm swimming in has suddenly gotten so vast and quiet, that it's suffocating.
I seem to have accepted the fact that that little girl who endlessly craved attention when she was younger, is possibly never leaving, and also my most recent discovery about myself being that if I'm left without any social connection to the outside world to plant my feet on the ground past the 45 minute mark, I instead invest all my energy into thinking with my head in the clouds - which can either make me sound highly thoughtful or like a hideously cranky old lady who ultimately rattles on about her disdain upon the world and ends up depressed. (So, I apologize in future, if ever you start a conversation with me and I sound like a complete nut as per the scenario stated above - that's probably the best explanation I have)
Like I had probably mentioned a few times around, my mind never rests.
And of course that sounds tiring, for that only just means I'm probably depressed a lot, but it only makes for the most amazingly wackiest and wildest dreams every night, where I almost never encounter the same dream twice.
But hey, hey. that's a dreamer for you.
"Basically what we have here is a dreamer. Somebody out of touch with reality. When she jumped, she probably thought she'd fly."
- Jeffrey Eugenides, The Virgin Suicides
While I go and figure out what to do with what I feel, I'd appreciate a little shout-out from you guys time to time if you ever pay me a visit to ensure me that I'm not going crazy (or to any more of an extent) and just to shine another perspective, insight or advice unto my own. And goodness, I'd love it even more if you could disagree with me on something even - 'cause oh boy, do I love a good debate.
That's all from me tonight.
I've got a plane to catch.
|FOREVER 21 Wide brim felt hat, Jumpsuit, ALICE wedges, Print scarf, Triple belt|
Labels: F21, Fashion, Forever 21, Personal